The old paradigm for the pair was pretty simple: a man went to work, brought home the money and paid for a home mortgage, etc. He was a supplier of security and stability. The role of women to cook, clean, raise children and take care of the house. It has been a provider of emotional care and comfort. Roles were clearly defined and rigidly. How many of us have parents who fit this model, or at least tried?
Now much has changed. Women have jobs and careers, men can stay home as primary caregivers, and the relationship to run across a much wider range than the old “he / she ‘model. For example, right now there are “He / He” and “She’s / She” model for married couples. There are couples who do not necessarily form a dyad. “The Couple” may be a triad in a serious relationship or be part of a larger policy community. There are many variations on these alternatives, and so it goes. But what has not changed much in the fact that many are still working on contracts or implicit unspoken agreement concerning the roles and expectations. When these contracts are violated, the pair often become angry with each other and start pointing fingers.
When the past is present: Healing the emotional wounds that sabotage our relationship
In this book, psychotherapist David Richo explores how we play the last in our current relationships and how we can free ourselves from this destructive pattern. We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships to people in our daily lives, whether it is our intimate partners, friends or acquaintances. When the past is present helps us to better understand the ways in which we slip into the past, so we can identify our emotional baggage, and take steps to unpack it and put it where it belongs. With years…
Take lesbian couple I saw last week, for example. They were very much in love, until they decided to buy a house together. Soon after their purchase, Susie *, the main breadwinner, was fired. She then had to take a job she hated to pay the mortgage and so that her partner, Chrissy * could finish school. As a result, Susie got into a major depression and emotional disappeared Chrissy, who was at a loss as to how to return the old Susie she knew and loved!
Implicit agreement in their relationship was that Susie had the role of emotional and material, “ISP”, and Chrissy added fun and spark in the relationship. Now this agreement is under threat, which was upset the balance of their relationship. Krissy had fallen in leaving depressed and emotionally out of the relationship. They came to my office after five years with complaints of “no sex” and “no emotional connection.” Their relationship was on the rocks.
Fundamentally, Chrissy was angry at Heather’s not to uphold its end of their unspoken agreement, which is to provide shelter care and comfort, not just paying for the house, but by providing emotional support as well. Susie was disappointed by the fact that Chrissy was so distant and not very fun to be around. They were each secretly convinced that the problem lies with another man, but not with themselves.
Anyone, who is familiar with the way I work, knows that I do not go along with what I call the blame / shame game. In other words, I do not encourage the search for the guilty, instead, I encourage couples to see how each of them contributes to the negative situation they find themselves in. This approach creates opportunities to increase awareness and grow in a relationship. Developing this ability to take responsibility for their own contributions is one of the main ingredients, if you want your relationship as a vehicle for your growth.
Let see how it happened to Susie and Chrissy.
As Chrissy began to explore more deeply what it was about her feeling “down,” Suzanne after they bought their homes, some very painful memories surfaced from when she was three. This was the era of Dr. Spock and her mother had told her doctor that it’s not good to keep your child too much or spoil them, especially when they were upset and crying. Many mothers were also misled about not comforting her child in distress. Unfortunately, Chrissie’s mother took this advice to extremes and stopped holding Chrissy as a whole. Chrissie went into a deep depression and abandonment completely lost confidence in their mother. Mother-daughter relationship continues to be tense as a result of this abandonment.
For Chrissy, this injury was locked in his cell and muscle memory. It was not until she experiences a sense of neglect in an intimate relationship once again, that the injury started to surface. Now she had two choices: She could either remain locked in feeling, how terrible and unfair was that Heather was gone her emotionally or she can use this situation as an opportunity to address the failure of old wounds that had been surfacing.
Most wounds that arise in the relationship and in need of treatment in the context of relationships. Chrissy did a great job on her own to try to heal this deep wound around the refusal of his mother, but in the end real healing had to happen in a relationship. In this case, Chrissy was a great opportunity to use what was in her relationship with Heather as a tool for growth and healing.
Chrissy commissioner made the choice to stop blaming Susie, and instead really looking at the profound sense of abandonment that caused it Susie. She made some powerful work sessions to begin to treat it. Susie, inspired by the revelations Chrissy during their sessions, began to look for ways it could come more for the love of her life. She stopped blaming the economy and the educational needs of Chrissy for how she felt trapped and started to make a choice which gave her greater sense of empowerment. She began the health and exercise regime that helped her raise endorphins (natural mood stimulants of the body) and to increase her energy levels tremendously. Much to the delight Chrissy, sexual energy Susie began to return. The two were safely on the road to repair their emotional and sexual intimacy.
More importantly, Chrissie and Suzy both opted out of the commissioners have accused each other of violating the agreement and the unspoken expectations of a rigid in their relationship. They were willing to point the finger back at yourself and honestly address what was to come up to them. In doing so, they also made their relationship safe containers and vehicles for their growth.
Perhaps Chrissy and Susie found the secret of what makes relationships last. After all, if they could grow within a relationship, then their relationship can grow with them. They should not have to leave the relationship because he became too constrictive, or did not meet their needs more. But this is a topic for another article …
Name * have been changed to protect client confidentiality.
Ondina Nandine Hatvany, MFT is Director of the Eating Disorders Program at Community Institute of Psychotherapy in San Rafael, CA. She has private practices in both Mill Valley and San Francisco. She works with queer, alternative and traditional couples to get out of negative cycles and to develop better communication and understanding around sensitive topics such as betrayal, intimacy and trust. She uses an approach called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which focuses on creating the emotional safety and understanding that allows for true intimacy to flourish.
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